Corey’s Story Adventure, 6
June 21, 2009
From Corey:
Let me start with a Holy Shit. I love it when a plan comes together. I had NO idea what would happen when I flew out to Philly to work with Annie Hart, I just trusted that it was the right thing to do. Today, with Annie’s help, I unlocked a part of myself that had been hiding away, stewing in the juices of his own pain for more than four years now; a crippled part of my former self.
Let’s go back a step. When I was in LA and working in commercials and TV, I was the only one of my friends who didn’t have a day job much of the time. Acting was paying my bills. I was working for a few days a year, auditioning on average once a day and was making a full time salary. Most people would kill to be in that position. And yet I felt lost. I was not emotionally fulfilled. I had not moved out to LA to become a commercial superstar, or play bit roles on TV shows.
Feeling like my so-called success was also an extension of the dreams of my friends and family, I did not feel able to tell them I was miserable. Instead, I slowly fell into smoking pot. Every day. Five to ten times a day. If I was awake I was high. Why?
I had spent nearly ten years working to create. Acting, directing, producing. When I was not working as an actor, I was making movies. The Boy Scout, Gretchen Brettschneider, Unsuitable, Redirect. All of these labors of love. Each taking complete devotion of for a year or more of my life. All of them successes, but all of them failures. Yet I picked myself up after each major lesson learned and dared to dream again.
I was mastering the creative process. I knew how to create cinematic experiences that moved people to laugh, to cry and everything in between…and yet…Hollywood was not coming to me. Despite having been the star of one of the funniest commercials ever created, the big film directors were not coming to my door to ask me to be in their next comedy. Heck, after winning every commercial award, even commercial directors were not banging my door down. Reality was hitting and it was hitting hard. There was another side to all this. The business. And here I had been operating under a misconception for nearly a decade, believing that if I concentrated on my craft everything else would fall into place. I was wrong, and the reality leveled me. I was suddenly faced with the probability that I needed another 10 years to master the business aspect of the industry and I was tired. I was so tired.
I suddenly found myself unable to get out of bed. I woke up, got high and pretended I was happy as I stared at the wall. I went to my auditions, feeling angry every time. I felt alone. I felt betrayed. I was throwing a tantrum and hoping the world would conform to me.
At the first opportunity (though I fought it at the time) I left LA when I got married, to live with my new wife. Only in looking back now can I understand the depression and the need to escape that lifestyle. But what I cannot forget is the loneliness. As I suffered, I suffered in silence. I was the golden boy. How dare I not be happy.
But something happened. The dreamer in me waited by the bed…every day. And the crippled part of me eventually healed enough and was coaxed to try again. I woke up, three years later, a businessman. I took on the challenge that I had refused to undertake in my moments of childlike stubbornness in LA. I mastered the art of the legalities and financial responsibilities of a business owner.
What I am finding most interesting about myself and my business, is that I subconsciously chose to be the caregiver for others who were trying to create. I was alone, feeling like no one believed in me when I was at my worst, and my goal with my work is to always be there for my clients, knowing that it’s going to get tough. The creative process has to get tough in order for something brilliant to be come alive.
When they are afraid, I am there. When they are depressed I am there. When they are victorious I am there. I have become what I missed most myself, a champion of the creative who dares to dream, one who dares to fail and pick himself up again. I am a partner, friend, confidante, caregiver, director and producer of their dreams. I am the believer. I see their potential, challenge them to exceed it, celebrate with them when they do, and sit with them when the outcomes are tough to swallow.
There was nothing exceptional about my personal transformation. It was not unique. Everyone is faced with harsh realities. It’s called growing up. But, while many people choose to go to sleep for the rest of their lives when faced with such adversity, I dared to dream again. To take all of my lessons and stand and fight again. It is that determination I hope to awaken people to with this new presentation.
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