Writing From the Desert: Report From the Creative Retreat
December 23, 2009
I am in the desert. Boy is it dry in here at times. Big stretches of emptiness with no growth on the horizon. Today I woke up to only 3 notes scribbled on my page. That means it’s time to face one of my bigger fears of - Eeek, what if I have absolutely nothing to share with the world? What if I leave nothing behind?
Don’t try to talk me out of this fear. For facing one’s fears is exhilarating, awakening and deeply scary, if you do it well that is. The purpose is to scare myself awake and into action. Facing one’s fears is a vital and necessary endeavor which we have little time or place for in our world.
We are too used to putting on the mask, looking heroic and going off to do the same things we’ve always done before. I’m putting the brakes on that automated behavior and daring to delve down deeply into the things that really scare me.
Why?
Because I want more out of life for one thing. I want to give more, share more and be more. And I can’t do that from the operating position of comfort and safety. Being in the desert isn’t my idea of a good time, but I am doing this on purpose.
Yesterday I share with someone that it is going to get even tougher in the future. He wanted to change my language to say instead, “It’s going to get interesting.”
BUT NO! That is exactly the kind of linguistic trick that keeps us from fully experiencing our real fears, the ones that are stopping us from bigger life. If we can’t fully experience them, we can’t change them.
I meant IT’S GOING TO GET HARDER. But if you listen carefully to what I’m saying, which he obviously didn’t, you realize that I’m doing this on purpose. It’s going to get harder because I am going to purposefully keep diving deeper into the muck.
My Inner Critic is going to hurl even worse insults at me. Today for example her whammy was, “What if you have absolutely nothing to share with the world?” Thanks a lot! Don’t worry, I’m going to deal with her later. We have a tango every night now :>)
I am actually having a good time challenging myself. I want it to get harder because I really want to get to the gold. I am not a person who induces needless pain, but I am one who loves a creative challenge and the juicy results that come.
So that is my report from the outback. I’m having a good time, feeling dry, confused, unworthy and incapable! Whew, what an enlivening ride.
I’ll report again in a few days so you know I’m still alive. Day 6 and I’m still going!
Yours in the spirit of that which brings life,
Annie
P.S I’d love to hear your comments and needs for creative retreats for yourself. No critiques please, the inner critic has that covered for now!
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4 Responses to “Writing From the Desert: Report From the Creative Retreat”
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Dear Annie,
I just stopped by and found your post. I think you are a very brave woman and admire your decision to “go for the gold”.
Sometimes I feel that we were taught that success, progress, the whole lot can be bought somehow. Or as my partner would say: “hard work is not trendy”. But we need to break through the barriers in order to grow, and sometimes, most of the time, that hurts.
The good news is, and you know, that once you get there, it is tremendously rewarding.
And your friends, even though we can’t walk the walk for you, will be there along the way.
Love,
Eva
The folks past, present, and future who actually made a difference in this world, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, MLK, Oprah, Lincoln, etc. If you study subjectively ALL dealt with massive diversity, and followed their adversity with Massive ACTION…
Problems are Blessings in disguise….
Happy Holidays, Brian-
Hey Annie,
How brave you are to be so honest - what a great lesson for all of us to learn. My admiration is pointed in your direction. I am thinking about a creative retreat myself. We all need an inner critic that we can learn to love because she helps us to grow.
Happy New Year my friend. I think all signs point to that!
elizabeth
Annie,
I love your questions. I love your ability to face fear & publish it for us to experience with you as well. I love your heart & willingness to push for something more. I love your desire to push beyond comfort and all the while knowing things will get harder yet you relish in the challenge of it all.
Listening & Learning,
Max