The Story of the Miracle Pants
January 25, 2010
My mother is adorable. At 90 years old she still lives in an old fashioned world of no cell phones, no email and $5 pairs of pants.
She called me the other day very excited. I hate to say this but usually when she is excited about something for me it’s often something that I dread. Her tastes and mine are often very different.
As a kid she would take me to buy new shoes and when we got to the store she’d say to me, “Go ahead and pick out the ones that you like.” As soon as I would pick out the coolest, hippest pair of shoes that an 8-year old could find, she’d say, “Oh not those. We’re going to get these sturdy brown ones.” You know the sensible kind? Ugh! My mother’s taste in shoes and mine were radically different.
So when she called me the other day very excited to say that she wanted to buy me some pants, I had a moment of excitement until I realized that ‘Ugh’, they might be a lot like the brown shoes of the past.
But my mother is 90 now and I decided that I don’t have to ward off her clothing choices anymore. I can open to them and share her excitement, whether I want the pants or not. So I called her back.
She was just dying to tell me about these amazing $5 polyester knit pants that come in so many exciting colors and are completely spill proof. She knows this because she spilled her breakfast all over them and was able to wash them right out in the sink and they didn’t even leave a stain. Wow, these really are miracle pants.
I got such a kick out of her excitement about them. In her mind they have so many benefits – little washing, spill-ability and absolutely no ironing!
I have to say that it was so darned adorable how enchanted my mother is over these miracle pants that I decided to let her send me the catalog so I can (get this) pick out 5 pairs of my own that she wants to buy me!
Now here’s the funny part – when I told my niece Devon about this, we laughed until we nearly peed ourselves. We started making up funny stories about these miracle pants and all the things that they can do. So we decided that in addition to the no ironing, the spill factor and the many lovely colors, these pants can also provide these benefits:
- if you happen to be walking by a burning building and you are wearing these pants, go ahead and go inside because they are completely fire proof!
- if you should cut yourself and are being rushed to the emergency room, there is no need to worry about the wound, just wrap your pants around it and they will cauterize it immediately.
- got a bad ex-husband lingering around? These pants will get rid of him in a jiffy, need I say why?
- don’t have time to change between work and night life? These pants can go from a full day at the office to a night of disco dancing with a simple change of shoes. Note that I say disco dancing as they will probably not be suitable for any other type of dancing.
- do you need to sharpen your kitchen knives but don’t know where to take them? Worry no more, you can sharpen them right on your pants – they are just like stainless steel. Just be careful of your leg underneath.
Now these are just some of the many benefits of these miracle pants and as I said earlier, they are only $5 a pair. But what I am thinking of doing is buying them up in bulk and offering them on my website for an amazing deal of $7.50 a pair (let me know if you want some). I might as well turn a little profit from this amazing discovery don’t you think?
I just love the idea of wearing my miracle pants around town and watching people turn their heads to wonder if I have just stepped out of the movie “Staying Alive” (remember with John Travolta?).
I have offered to wear these pants to my nieces college graduation. Remember they won’t wrinkle in my suitcase. She however has threatened to kill me if I do. Young people are so ungrateful these days, they just don’t get the beauty of things like miracle pants like these.
Ahh, the beauty of the days of old, when pants were only $5 and had so many multiple uses. My mother lives happily in days of yore and I’m happy for her and her lilac, ruby and brown miracle pants.
Aren’t you curious to find out what colors I get and where I wear them? Stay tuned or put in your vote for which uses of the miracle pants you’d like to see me use them for.
Yours in wearing the pants that can change the world,
Annie
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