My Story Raw & Real - We Can’t Avoid Life
September 11, 2009
So here’s the lesson coming in loud and clear - We can’t avoid life!
It’s easy to hide, it’s easy to stay in our shell and it’s easy to make other people the source of our problems, but they are not. I’m saying this because part of my old shell has just been cracked open and it was really painful.
It always is, but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong. That is the part that is hardest to understand about these moments.
People have asked me a few times, “Did you see it coming?” It meaning the end of my relationship. That’s an interesting question. Hmm, did I see IT coming? Possibly. But how do you really know what is coming? That’s the hard part.
The hard part was that I was actually trying to avoid this exact pain. I was trying to avoid the pain of getting connected to someone again and then have them leave. I was trying to avoid that because I’ve experienced it many times before and I have some idea that I shouldn’t experience it again.
Note that I say ‘idea’ that I shouldn’t experience it. This means that we really don’t understand life at all. How do I know what I’m meant to experience? I don’t. So did I see it coming? Yes I’ve always seen it coming. But the real question is - Was I meant to avoid it? Was I meant to step out of the way? Or is this exactly what life was meant to bring me? Exactly this and nothing different.
I was cracked open and now what do you see? You see an open egg. That’s exactly the point. Life wanted to open me, but because we are wired to avoid pain, we don’t open easily or willingly, so life needs to crack us open.
Mother nature herself is creator and destroyer. But here’s the beauty - I am alive. And now what you see inside of me is raw and real, just like the soft inside of the egg. I am alive and doing really well. I wouldn’t change a thing about what happened. I needed to learn something and experience something. My prayer every day is that I learn whatever it is and then I take it out to help others.
I have dedicated an entire week to writing these stories raw and real. I hope you’ll stay with me on the journey and I hope that they touch and inspire you. Please feel free to comment on the blog.
Yours in story,
Annie
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My Story Raw & Real: Why I’m Daring to Write These Stories
September 9, 2009
So why am I daring to write these stories when some part of me feels so raw and vulnerable? Well that is exactly the point.
Exposing our vulnerability is the last thing that we want to do when we feel wounded. What we want to do is to curl up inside a nice dark cave and never come out.
I am aware of those feelings and for the first few days, I couldn’t move much. I had a hard time getting off the bed and getting out the door to go buy groceries. All simple things normally but not on those days when the dark cave is beckoning you.
I”m writing these stories for YOU. I don’t even know who you are but you are out there somewhere. And you and me, like everyone else, is hurting somewhere inside of you. It may not be obvious or it may not be as raw as mine but it’s there. You just may not be able to admit it openly. Or maybe you’ve tried and no one has really listened.
So I want you to know that I’m listening to you. I’m listening through sharing these stories. Our collective pain needs to be heard. That is how we bond, that is how we heal and that is how we come together in renewal.
These stories are definitely not just for me. I don’t need to heal at your expense. No, I want this to be a sharing and healing venture. I want to share your stories too.
Because I’m an Aries, which is the first sign of the zodiac, I tend to go first and lead the way. I blaze the trail in the forest for others to follow. Aries often go where others fear to tred. Fear does not stop us.
I’m not afraid of feeling pain. I’m not saying it’s easy to experience it. It’s not. But I consciously choose to open my heart over and over again, even when life hurts. And I want you to do the same. I want you to dust yourself off from the last failed relationship or business failure or whatever it was that stopped you,.
We must grieve and then move on and do better things with our lives. I’m writing these stories so that you can learn two things. These are things which the world outside does not teach us. One is that I want to share openly how to grieve about life’s pain. I want to share that in a raw and real way, to let you know that it is not only ok, but it is necessary to our physical and emotional health.
Do you know that there are indigenous tribes that do a ceremonial purgings of all their emotions every year? We need that. We all need a regular cleansing of pain and distress and if we don’t take that upon ourselves, then life brings it to our door. We should be thankful when it comes. It might be saving our life.
The other thing that I want you to take with you is a way of making pearls out of pain. I want to show you how you can take the raw and wounded experiences and make them into a mark of your greatness.
I will be sharing stories about how I and others have done this and lead up to the moment when I feel ready to carve a new path for myself. I’m not there yet but I hope you’ll stay with me on this journey. And please feel free to email me and let me know how my stories touch your life.
Together we’re going to go on a journey. Together we will restore and repair ourselves from whatever it is that pains us. Life’s beauty is made up of exposing our hearts to the tender, the vulnerable and the real. That’s why I’m writing these stories and why I hope you’ll be with me on this path.
Yours in story,
Annie
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My Story Raw & Real, Part 1
September 8, 2009
I’ve been holding back. I’ve been holding back that I’m really hurting, in pain and having a hard time. It’s not like me to be fake, but I’ve been struggling to open up and be raw and real about my life. But I must.
I must because there is nothing more important than having an open heart and that includes admitting when life is painful.
As Joanna Macy says, the heart that breaks open, holds the whole world. I aspire to that so it’s time to admit the truth.
So what happened is that I had this wonderful new relationship and it ended. I had really high hopes for this one. We were really right for each other in many ways. We were writing a series of love stories together and I believed every word that he said and every word that he wrote. The sad part is that his words were true.
Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean they are a fake. People try to convince me to be angry or this or that, but I can’t. It’s not his fault. Blame does not take me to a higher spiritual plane. It keeps me stuck on a level that I don’t want to live on.
I LOVED him and that is that. Get it? I loved. I loved despite my fears, my vulnerabilities, my trepidation and my past. I opened myself to love despite how terrified I was for something like this to happen.
And that’s the irony. Because this has happened to me so often, I actually tried to avoid it. The lesson is that you cannot. You cannot avoid pain without avoiding life itself. It doesn’t work.
It’s like the time I went on the flying trapeze. I was terrified and even though I had a rope holding my body, that didn’t seem to register to my mind at all. It was the same thing here. I was terrified to enter a relationship again because I’ve had so many end. Every one that I’ve had hope for has ended up in tatters.
Did I want that to happen again? Absolutely not! But what was I going to do? Live in a shoebox and never come out? NO. You can’t avoid life.
I am committed to loving despite the many obstacles. One might think I should give up. But I won’t. I’m committed to living a bigger love than most people even think possible. Let me tell you why most people never get to that wide open love land. Because it hurts when you open your heart that wide and then suddenly you’re left out all alone in the field.
But honestly I don’t believe that life is worth living without this kind of open hearted love. It does hurt, I can’t lie about that, but I don’t regret what I did. I loved him and that will remain registered somewhere inside of him forever. Maybe on his death bed he’ll suddenly smile and remember that he was cared for after all. It’s worth the pain. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it is.
I need to be gutsy, have courage and dare to tell the truth. Here is my first step. It took me a whole week to write about this openly, but that’s ok. It was hard to admit the truth. I wanted to be all put back together nice and neat in only a few days, but I’m not. Today I wept for an hour while my friend Leslie body hugged me, made me tea and handed me tissues. I needed that.
I have needed all of the love and care that my friends have given me. My buddy Jim called from church the other day in response to my S.O.S. He said he could feel it at a distance. He called again tonight and made me laugh. He told me to write these stories, “Annie Hart Raw & Real” and to allow myself to grieve and get out and dance - get it out of my body. He was right. My friends know what I need.
My friend L.T was the one who encouraged me to write. He who most struggles with admitting his own emotions, told me that I should be naked and raw. I knew that coming from him it was like the word of God itself, so I got off the phone and started writing.
He said to me, “Annie nothing has changed about you. You are still the same Annie that you were a week ago and if you were to be given the choice, you would love again.”
He’s right. I would. That’s just who I am. I live for love and I stand for love. Even when it hurts.
Other friends have really been there for me to. Without them, I’d be a puddle on the floor. I feel really loved and cared for even though I’m hurting. I am really blessed and thank god for my friends.
So thank you to Leslie, Loren, Mary Ellen, Eva, Doug, Angela, Jim, Pam and my family. You have been the difference in this situation. You didn’t judge me in another failed attempt at human love on planet earth.
So here’s what I am going to do. I am going to turn this pain into something beautiful and life-giving. I will do that by writing openly and sharing it with the world. I am always there for others to listen to their stories. My clients and friends pour out their pain and I never judge them. So why am I judging myself and holding my own back? Because being raw and exposed feels scary. But nonetheless, I’m revealing myself now. I must.
Because if you think that I am all perfect and put together like a perfect china cup, then you will never be able to admit your own pain and thus never heal. I can’t do that to you. So I must start with being real myself.
This is my fi
rst in a series of stories, dedicated to all who dare to love on planet earth despite the numerous obstacles.
I am going to keep my heart open despite the pain. So here is Story #1 of “Annie Hart Raw and Real”. Let me know what you think. And feel free to share your heart. I promise to hold it gently.
Yours in story,
Annie
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Flattened
September 5, 2009
Life hurts sometimes. People die, relationships fail and life lets you down. You think you’re going in one direction and then suddenly the wind blows and you’re going in another.
This week I had an experience that really flattened me. I felt like my buoyant balloon just fell to the ground. Not to worry though, I have been through this many times before and have rebounded. Life is not just about growth but it is also about death, renewal, despair and hope. We need to embrace the whole gamut.
This is not the straw that will break the camel’s back. Although sometimes painful experiences can feel like that, this will not break me. I must learn to bend like the weeping willow tree but not crack.
Here’s one thing that I’ve learned - that you can’t avoid pain. When you need to experience it, it’s going to seek you out like a heat-seeking missile. But also remember that it’s not just meant to be pain. Life is causing us to grow and sometimes that feels really challenging.
The little hermit crab does not want to get out of his comfy shell and scuttle across the hot sand to find a new one. He’s comfortable where he is. But life says grow and so out of the shell he must go.
Life hurts sometimes. People die, relationships fail and life lets us down. But do not give up. Growth is right around the corner. New life is the next phase of the process. Nature herself is always dying and being reborn.
So you might wonder what I’m doing with this situation? Well for one I’m taking solace from the loving people in my life. One 
of the best things about difficulties, is that they really help you realize how much you have and how loved you are.
I encourage you to take a look around today and see who really loves you and who is there for you no matter what. Don’t wait for life’s challenges to hit. Look now. See who loves you and love them back. In these times I try to remind myself to focus more on others than on myself. Take solace but reach out and give as well.
The other way I’m moving with life is to continue to write and share stories. I’ve decided that it’s time to really push myself to bring more of my stories out to the world - not just the pretty plumped up ones, but also the ones that are raw and real. These are the stories that matter the most, the ones that come from real life.
Life will grow and renew itself again, it’s inevitable. We must stay hopeful and positive about that. Not just as a pep talk or trying to ignore what is happening, but if in the midst of difficulties we can continue to believe in life and it’s powers of renewal then that can carry us forward.
There is nothing lost here. Just an old shell of the hermit crab that needed to crack off and drift out to sea. He may be temporarily without his shell and feel a bit lost and vulnerable, but right now even as we tell this story, his new shell is out there looking for him. It’s just waiting for him to pull his head up out of the sand and lumber forward towards it. When he does, the new shell that has been there all the time will welcome him home.
Life grows. Life goes on. Life renews itself. It’s inevitable. You can bank on that. In fact you should.
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