The Power of Time Off
January 6, 2010
We should all heed this message!
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My Story Raw & Real - I’m Not Going Down With the Ship
September 10, 2009
I’m not going down with the ship. I thought that I might for a few days. I could feel that spiral of depression swirling around me, but I didn’t go down the tunnel.
I remember once as a young girl, being in the bathtub and watching the water swirl out of the drain and I’m not sure why but somehow that swirling water going down, reminded me of of the sadness of my own life.
I haven’t been that sad in a long long time. I have worked very hard over the years to change the patterns that I grew up with and I’ve done really well with that and grown into being a mostly positive and optimistic person.
But last week, I felt a pull back to that place where you can become immobilized. And I got afraid for myself. I didn’t want to go down that dark drain tunnel. I have too much to live for and too many wonderful projects that I want to keep moving forward. 
So I did something that was really hard for me. I reached out and asked for help. I called a friend of mine whom I’ve never asked for help from before and I said, “I’m really going down and I need some help. I wondered if you could be a space for me to talk this out. I need to get it out of my system.”
That was a really big risk for me because even though I’ve always been there for him, especially when he had problems in relationships, I had never really let him be there for me. But somehow in my vulnerability, I realized that this wasn’t fair and I decided to let him in.
I decided to ask for that kind of real deep help,where a person actually puts aside their everyday business to turn their attention towards being there for you.
Ironically he didn’t call me back until almost evening. It was the universe’s way of testing my faith. He hadn’t gotten the message until then and when I called him back he was on his way somewhere but it was obvious to me that my request mattered.
So he offered to talk to me while he was riding on his bike! Normally I would have said no to this because I would have felt that someone couldn’t ride a bike and pay attention at the same time. But he assured me that he could and I knew that he of anyone was capable of that.
I was very touched that he was carrying on a serious conversation with me while riding on his bike! And I could tell he was totally present because at one point he had to pause and let a big truck pass so he could be heard. He really wanted to be there for me and I could feel that.
Even though I have known him for over five years, I have never before allowed him to support me in this way. And I realized that he is actually very good at it. He lost a son himself many years ago and I had this sweet and tender realization during our call, that he really knows about this kind of pain. It was very touching.
And this is just one of the many gifts that I have received. People have been so kind and so loving that I realize, I have really lost nothing. I have only gained. Without this seeming loss of a partner, I might never have realized how loved and cared for I am. It was there in the background, but this brought it forth.
So I am not going down with the ship. Thanks to all the love and support that has come my way, I am sailing forward into new waters, including beginning some really exciting new projects that are coming directly out of this situation
I’ve dedicated an entire week to writing these raw and real stories and if after a week more need to come out, then they will come out as well.
I hope that you will stay with me on the journey. People really want to be there for you if you’ll just open up and let them in.
Life cracks you open just for this reason. Today see who might just be waiting there for you and what new waters you can sail into. Stay tuned for more.
Yours in story,
Annie
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Story of the Week: Amara and the River of Ages
September 8, 2009
I stood at the edge of the clearing, hesitant to go in further. I could see her sitting hunched outside of her doorway in the shadows of the tall pines. I didn’t want to get any closer, afraid that somehow she would rub off on me. Her name was Amara and they had told me that she was very bitter. I was very curious to find out why.
She seemed very old as she huddled there, wrapped in a blanket. Was she sleeping? I made a noise to attract her attention but either she ignored me or she didn’t care. I thought about running away but found myself stepping closer instead. I could see into her house through the doorway and something looked very intriguing inside. I had the sense that this was a woman of substance. What had happened to make her so bitter?
I stepped closer and said hello. She looked up slowly and stared me straight in the eye, cold and direct. “What do you want?” I felt a shiver of fear but I also saw something else behind that cold stare and I had to know more. This was clearly a woman of depth. What had happened to her?
She looked like she’d fallen back to sleep, so I tiptoed inside of the house, hoping that she wouldn’t notice. But just as soon as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I felt her presence behind me and I knew that I had made a grave mistake. I had entered her home without permission.
“I’ll show you what you have come to see.” She walked towards the back of her shadowy home. I saw bodies lying curled up, fetal and motionless. “These are my babies. These are my husbands. They are all dead. What more do you want from me?” I felt shocked and embarrassed. I was in a place that I didn’t belong.
A young girl appeared and said, “I am too young and she is too old. So we live here together to make up the difference.” I wondered what she meant by that.
I asked the girl, “How did she get to be so old and bitter?” “I can’t tell you that story,” she said. “Only she can tell the story. Go outside and sit with her. She’s out back, under the tree.” But as I looked around that lightless space, I saw many beautiful objects from all over the world, from many different cultures. I knew that this was a woman with great treasures to share. What had happened to cut her off from all of that?
I went out and sat at her feet, quiet and silent. She sighed and began to weep and mumble something ever so softly. I wanted to reach out and hold her hand but I didn’t know if it was polite or even appropriate. Somehow she felt like an elder to me.
So many days I’ve thought of giving up
So many days I’ve felt I can’t go on
So many losses, so much pain
The rivers have dried up
The flowers have died
Why did the rivers dry up? Why did she have so much pain? I had to know but I dared not ask. Suddenly I felt very hot and incredibly angry. Fear shot through my body like a lightening bolt and I thought, “What is this?” I looked at her and she was laughing. “Now you know what I feel every minute of the day. Life runs through me - my life, others lives, the earth, the universe, the cosmos. I can’t stop it. So I live here alone. No one could put up with a woman like this.”
I wanted to say something to make her feel better but instead I started to cry rivers of tears and couldn’t stop. I felt incredibly sad. She was so beautiful, so full of passion and here she was living all alone, cut off from everyone except that young girl. Wasn’t there anyone to love her?
She read my thoughts again. “NO!“, she screamed. “This is my fate. You cannot change my destiny. Who do you think you are?” and she got up and stormed away.
I felt so badly. I knew that I had crossed the line. Maybe it was time for me to leave? But I felt compelled to go even further. I stepped towards the edge of the woods. I saw the dry creek bed. I knew then what I had to do, what I had come to do.
Despite the circumstances I went down to that dry riverbed. I took off all my clothes and lay down. I stayed like that for 3 whole days and 3 whole nights, no food, no water. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I prayed for life to return to this woman’s heart - to all women’s hearts. And so by the dawn of the 4th morning, the riverbed was filled up again and the flowers were beginning to grow. Was it my tears or had the river spirit herself heard my pleas and returned?
I may never know the whole story but when I went back to Amara’s house, all of the lights were on and she looked happy and alive. She was jubilant. “Thank you for coming,” she said. ” I know what you need too.” And she reached into her pocket and gave me a wooden heart. “Take it home with you. Plant it in the earth. It will find some roots.” 
That was the last time that I saw her. But they told me later that she had changed her name and found a lover who stayed with her always. The flowers returned. The river flourished.
and this is my story
just a story to tell….
Annie Hart
March 5, 1999
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Flattened
September 5, 2009
Life hurts sometimes. People die, relationships fail and life lets you down. You think you’re going in one direction and then suddenly the wind blows and you’re going in another.
This week I had an experience that really flattened me. I felt like my buoyant balloon just fell to the ground. Not to worry though, I have been through this many times before and have rebounded. Life is not just about growth but it is also about death, renewal, despair and hope. We need to embrace the whole gamut.
This is not the straw that will break the camel’s back. Although sometimes painful experiences can feel like that, this will not break me. I must learn to bend like the weeping willow tree but not crack.
Here’s one thing that I’ve learned - that you can’t avoid pain. When you need to experience it, it’s going to seek you out like a heat-seeking missile. But also remember that it’s not just meant to be pain. Life is causing us to grow and sometimes that feels really challenging.
The little hermit crab does not want to get out of his comfy shell and scuttle across the hot sand to find a new one. He’s comfortable where he is. But life says grow and so out of the shell he must go.
Life hurts sometimes. People die, relationships fail and life lets us down. But do not give up. Growth is right around the corner. New life is the next phase of the process. Nature herself is always dying and being reborn.
So you might wonder what I’m doing with this situation? Well for one I’m taking solace from the loving people in my life. One 
of the best things about difficulties, is that they really help you realize how much you have and how loved you are.
I encourage you to take a look around today and see who really loves you and who is there for you no matter what. Don’t wait for life’s challenges to hit. Look now. See who loves you and love them back. In these times I try to remind myself to focus more on others than on myself. Take solace but reach out and give as well.
The other way I’m moving with life is to continue to write and share stories. I’ve decided that it’s time to really push myself to bring more of my stories out to the world - not just the pretty plumped up ones, but also the ones that are raw and real. These are the stories that matter the most, the ones that come from real life.
Life will grow and renew itself again, it’s inevitable. We must stay hopeful and positive about that. Not just as a pep talk or trying to ignore what is happening, but if in the midst of difficulties we can continue to believe in life and it’s powers of renewal then that can carry us forward.
There is nothing lost here. Just an old shell of the hermit crab that needed to crack off and drift out to sea. He may be temporarily without his shell and feel a bit lost and vulnerable, but right now even as we tell this story, his new shell is out there looking for him. It’s just waiting for him to pull his head up out of the sand and lumber forward towards it. When he does, the new shell that has been there all the time will welcome him home.
Life grows. Life goes on. Life renews itself. It’s inevitable. You can bank on that. In fact you should.
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